Judgement. Judgmental. Mental. Mental case. Case study. Nobody wants to be a case study. Just like no one wants to be in the system. Right? Maybe...
Here's the bottom line. Who are you to judge?
I have a gay brother. A long time ago I started feeling really sorry for people who judge other people. My brother is the most amazing, kind, understanding, loving, person on the face of the earth (cept you). There were certain people, who I will not name now because who really cares who they are, who judged him. Judged him for who he found attractive, for who he loved, for who he chose to spend his time with. It made no sense to me at all. For real. As a very young person I just couldn't wrap my head around why one person would care who another person loved. And who they had sex with? Who cares? What business is it of anyone's?
So I had these kids of my own. I worked my ass for their entire lives for them to see people for who they are. To not discriminate for color or religion (unless they're catholic, cause frankly the catholics scare me) :). Their father and I have all sorts of characters for friends. Some are black, some are white, we've got a few Chinese ones in there, some gay, some straight, a bipolar or two, some tattoos, perhaps a piercing here or there, a couple super rich ones, a few that don't have a penny to their name, some crazies, some straight up Republicans too! We accept all kinds. Not the mean ones though. We try to quietly squeeze them out. I can handle just about anything but cruel.
So this has been my mission in life for the past 12 years. I'm not kidding about that. I have told my kids from the start, "You don't have to be the smartest, you don't have to be the fastest, the richest, the most popular, or the one with the best eyes (although they are), you do have to be the nicest though. Even when the other person is mean. Just be nice. It will take you so far."
I'm almost sorry I have been so insistent about that now. Cause here's the thing. My son has this friend who's parents are going through a divorce. The father in the divorce is one of the most judgmental people I have ever had the misfortune of meeting. He is passing this trait along to his children. They make fun of other people. They disparage gay people. They look down upon people with piercings or tattoos. That just about rules out my entire family. (My son got his cartilage pierced the other day, it's his third piercing, he's twelve). So the kid from the other family says mean things to my son. He makes fun of people, he is basically taking after his father who acts like a complete asshole. My son has listened to his nonsense and carrying on and said repeatedly, "I'm sorry you feel that way. I will always be your friend." That's how he was brought up. On one hand, I am so glad that his heart works that way. His compassion is endless, his friendship forever. On the other hand, I am teetering on the edge of telling him to say, "I'm sorry you feel that way. Go f yourself."
So this is my dilemma. To collapse into my ego and let my child fight a battle that he has no place in or to stick with what I have always believed and tell him to only be kind.
I chose the middle ground. I told him to send out good thoughts to his friend but for the time being they wouldn't be hanging out anymore. There was going to be some space in between.
I love that term.
Space in between.
We were driving in the car yesterday when I told him that. I felt bad cause this kid used to be his best friend. He just looked at me and nodded.
Cause he gets "it."
Wow. Chase is sooo amazing. I can honestly hear him saying just that, "i'm sorry you feel that way..." Well, I'm happy that they've grown up so wonderfully. You've done an awesome job! Also, sometimes space in between does wonders. It gives everyone a cooling off period, and time to evaluate what is truly important. I love you all so much, and I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this mean nonsense. It's too much sometimes. So, well put! Space in between is most definitely due.
ReplyDeleteRachel
On the list of valuable life lessons, being nice surely ranks high. Being nice not only has the ability to make others feel good, but it also makes us feel good and reinforces the positive nature within us. To me, that's kharma. The universe rewards our positive efforts by building our self esteem based on our own knowledge of our goodness. Alternately, when we lie, cheat, steal, judge or othewise mistreat others, we know it even if others don't, and it becomes part of us. Think of your life as a painting in progress. You choose the colors and how you want to use them. When you do something shitty, you are painting a big blsck mark on your canvas, and it becomes part of the portrait that is you. It takes an awful lot if bright colors to overcome the black spots on your canvas, and people who soend their days mistreating others have fairly dark self portraits. The darker the portrait, the more difficult it is to see your natural goodness. And if you can't see your own goodness, you're likely to become increasingly dark and shiity to others. People in those situations can only add their own darkness to the world around them. Your son's friend is throwing his black paint all over your son's canvas. Left unchecked, this would darken your son's portrait, and eventually he would become a person with a dark soul himself. Telling his friend that he will always be his friend no matter what is NOT being nice. It's actually your son doing harm to himself. There is no middle ground here. The father is poison that has now spread to his son, and his son is spreading it to others. You did the right thing in extracting your son from that friendship. The lesson you next need to teach your son is that kindness toward others ranks high, but not nearly as high as kindness to yourself. Being kind to someone who is abusive will only reinforce their abusiveness toward everyone they touch. Where is the kindness there?
ReplyDeleteMark
I just read something about this exact thing. About warning children about questionable choices of friends, and how we should do it with questions to make them realize things for them selves. Stuff like "I know you like being friends with ___ but he does things that seem ____ to me. I winder, if he keeps on doing the kinds of things/saying the kinds of things/etc. that he is doing now, what will he be doing/saying five years from now? What do you think? How do you think he will be in 5/10/20 years from now? Would you want to be his friend then?
ReplyDeleteSort of a what if game.
There was a resource given too. Chick Moorman's Parent Talk: Words that Empower, Words that Wound.
Ack. This is heavy. I know there will be more of this for you guys and lots of it for us in the future. It's the price we pay for raising open minded and loving kids